First, there was the G.I. Joe movie; then, the board game Battleship went big-screen, followed by 2013’s “The Lego Movie” — and now, from the depths of a Hollywood culture that hasn’t met a children’s toy it can’t adapt to the big screen, we’re getting a Tetris movie.
The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday that the company behind Tetris is working with Threshold Entertainment, the company that adapted the “Mortal Kombat” game for the big screen in the ’90s, to make a “very big, epic sci-fi movie” based on the beloved puzzle game.
It’s too early to say what it will finally look like (though we do hope they cast Chris Pratt as “long piece”) — but hey, “The Lego Movie” was great, so who knows? But if puzzle video games are going to be adapted into movies now too, we have five other suggestions for films we’d like to see:
‘Dr. Mario: Quarantine’
A virus outbreak comes in three forms: the red, the blue and the yellow, each as deadly as the next. As the citizenry falls to disease and wave after wave of defenses fail, one man is called in to save the day. And that man is Dr. Mario (played by, oh, let’s say a mustachioed Joe Manganiello).
Donning a crisp white lab coat, he fires off his catch phrase, “Here we go,” in a guttural growl before launching pills in expert form until all the viruses are dead and the landscape is clear. A newly revived Princess kisses him in thanks. The soundtrack? Dub-step remixes of those super-catchy “Chill” and “Fever” songs.
‘The Life of Snake’ (the cellphone game)
A black and white mumblecore-style indie drama about the existential dread of everyday drudgery. Snake (Bill Hader in another dramatic turn) walks through each day without purpose, collecting pellets only to see his own tail grow longer and longer.
The film has echoes of Kafka as Snake is increasingly trapped by his own past as it literally winds around him. In the end, all seems lost as he heads directly to the wall, with no hope of escape.
‘Bust-a-Move’ (alternate title: ‘Bust-a-Movie’)
Pixar presents: “Bust-a-Move,” colorful adventures based on the beloved arcade puzzle game. Our hero, a lovable green dinosaur, works happily all day in the bubble shooting factory until a villainous purple dinosaur crashes his world and challenges him to a Bust-off. Will be shown in 3D for an extra $5 for no particular reason.
Requisite soundtrack: Young M.C.’s “Bust a Move.”
Remember how Marvel dusted off the obscure “Guardians of the Galaxy” and turned it into a megahit this summer? This totally under-appreciated original Nintendo game (also featuring Mario and Luigi, the only two characters Nintendo could come up with for a while) from 1985 is due for that treatment from a savvy director like “Galaxy” writer and director James Gunn.
It’s a buddy comedy starring Seth Rogen as Mario and James Franco as Luigi, who play working lugs who don’t take their jobs seriously — that is, until the day when an alien race invades their worksite and the lovable slackers wielding their wrecking crew hammers, bombs and cunning are the only ones who can stop them.
Actually, someone please make this movie — it sounds really cool.
We open in a dystopian future, a la “Tron.” Toxic pollution has forced all of humanity to traverse a dangerous landscape in hamster-ball-like spheres — but when one person’s ball goes off course and gets lost, an epic adventure unfolds. Starring Channing Tatum as “Blue Marble” and Will.i.am as “Toxic Green Puddle.”
By Tim Donnelly, New York Post